If you had asked me about being a mom while I was growing up, I would have answered you with things like, “Of course I will!” and “I want 8 kids!“. But nowhere in my responses would you ever have heard an age attached to those plans.
I’ve never been one to have “deadlines” for life events, though I’m sure you all know at least 1 person (or perhaps, yourself?) who does. For me, it was College after High School, Marriage after College, and Babies after Marriage.
That was the extent of any and all expectations or life plans I had for myself.
I think most people would consider me as being “young” when I married. I was engaged the second semester of my senior year of college and married 1 year after my college graduation. Craig and I made our first relocation just less than 2 years after we were married, and Kate was born 2.5 years after our move.
Craig and I were married 3 years before any of our friends married. And I had given birth to both of my girls before any one of my cousins and most of our friends were even pregnant.
It’s interesting to watch how the cards of life play out for each of us. If I hadn’t met Craig in college, for example, all the life events that came after that would have occurred much differently – even though I still married the same man.
I remember feeling sort of lonely in this regard during my 20′s because most everyone we knew was “living it up” at an age you are supposed to do those things, while we were entrenched in diapers and bottles, and required toothpicks to keep our eyes open past 9 pm.
Now, its my cousins who are having the babies, and all at the same time. But I haven’t changed a diaper in nearly a year, and again find myself wishing I could share those times with them and take those journeys together.
But with every perceived “negative”, there always comes a positive. For example, Craig and I may have “missed out” on a lot of our 20′s, but I will be 48 years old when my youngest is an adult and off to college.
While I had no specific plans nor intentions for my life with regard to marriage and baby carriages, I’ve reached a point where I’m beginning to realize the (unintentionally-gained) benefits of the way the cards fell for me. Now at 34 I feel like I’ve crossed a pretty significant parenting hurdle and am busy moving on to the next phase of my life and career.
And all these “highlights” that I’m currently experiencing in my mid-30′s? I owe them all to marrying at 23 and becoming a mother at 27.
Did you have specific ages you imagined yourself either getting married or becoming a mother? Do you think about how old you’ll be when your kids become adults, or is that just us? Do you ever imagine life “Sliding Doors” style?
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I didn’t have specific ages associated with anything, but my husband did. Shortly after we started dating, he told me that he wanted to be married by the time he was 25 and wanted to be done having kids by the time he was 30. It took me by surprise, as I didn’t think men planned like that.
We got married when he was 25 (just a few months after he turned 25) and had our second when he was 30 (not so sure we’re done yet though).
It’s funny how things work out.
It IS funny how things play out. And you are right – you really don’t hear of many guys who have “deadlines” in mind.
Yes, I do sometimes think that perhaps I would have more children (or consider it) if I’d gotten married and had babies in my 20′s. However, I was too busy building my career, and living it up. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 28, and only married at 31. So now at the ripe old age of 35 going 36, I’m about to have a 2nd child, when quite a few people my age are at your stage. Out of diapers, kids in school, focusing more on themselves.
No regrets though – I think life plays out the way it’s supposed to, one way or the other
Absolutely! And I do still pine for my “lost 20′s”. Craig and I would periodically say, “If we didn’t meet each other when we did, we totally would have rented an apartment in the city with our friends instead of always being boring suburbanites!”
I was pretty sure I would marry young, which I did (19). I didn’t realize we’d want kids so soon, but we did, so I was a mom at 20. The only “age goal” I had was to be done having kids by 30, but I didn’t even stick with that – our youngest was born when I was 32. And yes, we totally think about “how old will we be when…” with our kids, and we actually look at how old they’ll be in relation to each other. Like, when our older son is 15, our younger son will only be 8, and then we pray that they’ll still get along. I also think my oldest daughter will marry young and have children soon after, so it’s funny to think of our 4yo being an uncle in just a few years. We’ve really followed no pattern or formula for age goals through the years, but it seems to have worked out ok for us!
Did I say 32? Duh. I was 34 when he was born. I was trying to make myself younger!
You have a lot of kids, too! With the average age of moms creeping upward, a woman pretty much runs out of time to have more than a couple kids if she doesn’t start having them by her mid-20′s at the latest.
Well, I never attached any ages to the milestones I wanted to reach in my life. But I didn’t expect them to happen so late for me, either. I got married at 38 and had my daughter at 40. So sure, I think about how old I will be when she reaches HER milestones. I’m acutely aware of that. And there will be no early retirement for hubby. But, I lived a lot of life before I got married and had a family. And I have a great deal of experience under my belt, which I have found to be an excellent benefit as I navigate motherhood…
Definitely! I think life is so much of what you make of it. I have a good friend who is 33 and unmarried, and she absolutely has enjoyed every day of her life. She’s traveled extensively, taken in every concert, show, event, etc in the city, all those things. And now she’s in a serious relationship!
I got married when I was 24 and we had our first this past January when I was 28. It’s funny because we felt like we were the last in our group of friends to have a child. However the cards fell into place, I’m happy with how they did. Maybe someday we’ll have a different group of friends and we’ll be the young ones
I wanted to have my first kid before I was 30 for some unknown reason that I’ve carried since I was 12. And I did — I was also 27. It’s the marriage part that surprised me. I was engaged after 7 mos of dating (our first date was 3 days after I turned 24) and married 7 mos after that.
I’m glad although moving to the next phase is not quite what I’m ready for either. Hmm.
Does that mean there’s a possibility of another babe?
I totally had a timeline of what I thought I wanted for my adult life. My mom had all three of us by the time she was 25 and while I didn’t think I would be quite so quick, I thought I would have multiple kids at this point and be done with having babies by 30. Now I’m 30 with only 1 child (even when we adopted, we thought we would at least be in the process of #2 by now). Of course, I would have never factored in our infertility struggle either. My family has always seemed to be extremely fertile. My cousins were popping out babies like there was no tomorrow so there was never a thought that I would have trouble. I guess I wouldn’t have thought I would be plagued with multiple chronic illnesses either. Its definitely not the life I would have planned but I am thankful regardless. I have an amazing husband and an incredible daughter so how can I complain?
p.s.- my parents too felt like they missed out on their 20s by having kids young but they are now only 50 and are enjoying their “empty nest.” They are able to do all the traveling they couldn’t have done with kids (nor could they have afforded in their 20s) so they think its been a great trade-off! They just spent the last 10 days exploring Vermont & Maine!
Very true about your parents! They have the disposable income now along with “freedom”. Ha!
I didn’t have a specific age attached to any of my plans either. Things just kind of fell into place. My kids are (almost)6 and 4 and most of my friends have yet to have babies. I will be 46 when my oldest graduates high school. This makes me very happy. Not because I want to get rid of my kids, but because I intend to enjoy being still youngish when my kids become adults!
YAY for still being youngish!
But, like you said, things do fall in to place. And I think there’s an ‘upside’ no matter how it plays out.
I didn’t ever actually think I was going to be a mother. Two miscarriages kind of confirmed that suspicion so I was shocked when it actually happened. I had the entirety of my 20s to shirk real responsibility. I’ll be changing diapers into my 40s if we ever get around to have another kid though!
Pregnancy struggles is DEFINITELY a huge game changer. I have a friend who had a general plan that once her husband was through with medical school and residency, they would have kids. But then they faced fertility struggles when it came time.
I was just shy of my 28th birthday when I had Ryan. We got married when we were 24 and that was a bit of a challenge for us socially as none of our friends were married yet. We found that we weren’t able to maintain friendships with people who had single lifestyles and only recently have we made new “adult friends.”
Singles vs Married is difficult. Much like Kidless vs. With Kids.
I like to think that we can make the timetables but it’s an illusion of control. I became a mom at 27 and I am glad. I think any earlier and I would not have been as good a mom. I am learning that life happens and it’s our reaction to those happenings that makes all the difference in the world!
I love your line “It is an illusion of control”. That says it SO well, BB.
You have had some big changes in your life in the past year. You know so very well about reactions and how to forge on.
This is such a great way to look at having kids younger. You and I had a similar “plan” – I didn’t have specific ages for anything either, but definitely an order of events and I do like that I’ll have my kids grown before I hit 50.
It’s like the light at the end of the tunnel! Ha!
Exactly!! I keep saying…one more year….one more year and I’ll be in a better place. Forget 50, I just need to get to 35 so I can survive the 2′s and potty training!!
I totally get it! I was married at 23 and pregnant by 25. I’m 33 now and loving that my kids are older (mine are 6 and 8 1/2). I knew I wanted to have my kids early because I wanted to be able to keep up with them as they grew. I didn’t have super specific deadlines but I did want to be done having kids by the time I was 30 and I did just that. I am so happy with that decision.
It isn’t often I hear the “actual” match up with the “plan”. Go you, Amy!!
Oh this post is speaking right to me!!! Kris and I planned everything out an I have no regrets but sometimes it’s still do hard to be in a different life stage than my friends.
However, when J graduates and goes to college? Kris and I will still be young enough to live it up!! You and Craig want to join us!!!??
Heck yes we will! Let’s start planning on vacations and second homes now!
You lived out what my plan for myself was.
Instead I got married at 27, lost two babies by 30, had a baby at 31 and 33.
But I did a LOT of living in my 20′s.
And I wonder if we will have more babies. I’ve always wanted four…by age 35. Now I am saying I want to be done having babies by 40.
Funny how things turn out
I very much relate to this. I got married at 23, and had a baby at 25. I totally missed the “living it up in my twenties” thing. But I was really never one of those people that enjoyed the party scene. I’ve always been much more content hanging out at home with the hubs or close friends. (I’m either incredibly mature or incredibly boring.) I just think life has a way of happening the way it’s supposed to, and there will always be adventures on the way, no matter what age we are.
I did everything later and will be 60 when JDaniel graduates from high school, but I won’t trade the way things worked out for anything.
Absolutely! And the truth of it is, we all end up at the same place…we just each had our own path to get there.
I want to be done having kids by the time I am 30, but I’m not sure that’ll happen. I was hoping to have my first at 25 (which I would have if we hadn’t miscarried our suprise pregnancy), but I’ll be 27 in August, and we’ve just started trying. But, whatever.. It gives us more time together as a couple before we have children.. There’s pros and cons to each way.
Yep – there are most definitely pros and cons to each path!
You and I are so very similar here. I was done having kids by the time I was 26… of course, 3 at once helped, but sometimes I wonder if I ‘missed’ something by getting married and having kids so young but I like the idea knowing that in when the kids are older… I will still be young too.
Great post, Liz!
Thanks Jen! And – yep – I’d agree that 3-in-1 helped a lot! HA!
I never had a plan really or a timeline. If it happened, it happened…and I’m glad it did…I guess I subscribe to the “better late than never philosophy. Though now being almost 45 (gasp) with a 3-yr-old and a 5-yr-old, I do think that I’ll be the oldest mom on the soccer field, etc, so I best get in my best shape NOW!
Perspective is a funny thing. I was 27 when I got married and 31.5 (see, when you use half it proves you have young kids)when my oldest was born.
I’ll be 43 on Wednesday. I remember thinking that I was starting late on the child front. It was weird to me to think about it because I never had.
But my friends had kids already and my parents had all of us by the time they were 30.
It used to bother me a bit to think that I would be 53 by the time my youngest graduates high school, but not any more.
Ten years is a chunk of time, but I don’t see 53 as being all that old. Hell I’ll be 49 when my son graduates high school, not old at all.
I do think about it on occasion. I was the first of my my closet girlfriends to get married and have babies so I know what you mean. I was 24 when I got married and that only freaks me out now because my niece will be that age in 2 short years!
But yes, it’s kinda crazy to think about the “Sliding Doors” scenario…
I think there is no right answer in this, but I decided to have my kids, or begin having my kids in my twenties, so that I can later have time to focus on my career and everything else. This is what works for me. And we’re happy!
I’m a no timeline gal myself and look where it got me: I’ll be 58 when my youngest leaves for college.
Great.
BTW, you’ve inspired me to write a response post… hope you don’t mind!
I’m the exact opposite of you. I thought I’d be married with children by 35.
And I barely squeaked in.
Was married 4 mos before turning 35, and had my first baby at 36, next at 37, last at 43.
Just made it under the gun.
Never saw that coming.
Some said I was too “picky.” That if I weren’t so picky, I’d be married by then
Hello and WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH BEING picky about the man that is going to be the FATHER Of your children?
Right? Thank you.
I used to think about this all the time (this actually makes me want to write a piece about it myself). I always thought I’d be married by 30 and have at least one child. Now, at 33, I’ve realized that life doesn’t always go as planned and that’s okay, too. We have to learn to make do with what we’re given and enjoy the twists and turns that stand in our way. It’s far more interesting when we don’t always know our course in life.
And I think it’s pretty rad that you’ll be able to really kick back and enjoy at the young age of 48!
*Also, I didn’t mean that you aren’t kicking back and enjoying life now or that you didn’t in your 20s. I hope I didn’t leave the impression in my last comment.
Nope. I had no set age in mind for any of my life goals. So much so that at the age of 33, I was like, “Hmmmm… if I’m going to have a baby, I guess we should get on that.” And then I was 34 when I actually had a baby and turned 35 when she was a mere three months old, and then I was all, “I’m going to be 53 when my kid graduates from high school, GAAAAAH!”
So, yeah… I made no plans. Had no goals. Which, truth be told, is pretty much the story of my life.
I love the way you see both sides of things.
I think I had an idea of ages – somewhere in my 20s, etc. but I love that you didn’t. So many of our disappointments happen from how we expect things to be. if we take that out of the equation (like you did) we’re much better off!)
I think you are spot on about disappointments. These types of life events are SO major and – obviously – involve a serious commitment as well as another person.
There are some people I’ve seen feel like they are racing towards a deadline, and I just don’t think that’s a good way to be.
Like I (tried to point out) said above, there are pros and cons to everything.
I didn’t even know I wanted to be a mom until I met and fell in love with my husband. He was the one who made me realize I could be a mom and tells me all the time that I’m a natural too.
We never know what life will bring us and when…even when planned!
48 is young!! Do it up!!
I did everything early. Engaged at 19, married at 20, first kid at 24. It’s funny, though, because we didn’t plan on starting ttc until we were 30, and here we are with 3 kids, and still in our early thirties. I wouldn’t change any of it!
I’ve often wondered where my life would be if I hadn’t made certain decisions. If THIS didn’t happen, would I still be HERE type of things. And the answer I always come to is, no.. Most of my life can be traced back to one or two life=altering decisions that at the time I thought were devastating. Whoever thought getting pregnant at 16 would lead me to move & where I would meet the love the of my life?
And only a few of our friends have married and had kids. Most of them are still single or just dating. I’ll be 35 when Andrew is a high school senior & 43 when Jolie is ready to graduate. I figure whatever I missed out on as a 20something, I can make up for after they’re out of the house.
You are definitely not alone with the Sliding Doors imaginings. Being 33 and having a husband who will be 39 in a few months and not having a child yet, we often think about age, probably a little too much. Seeing my friends post pictures of their kids’ kindergarten graduations, softball games, and dance recitals, sometimes I think I’d do it differently if given the chance. But I also know that if I already had kids, there are some amazing things I would have missed out on in recent years. So when I get a little teary-eyed watching my friends’ kids do xyz, I have to remind myself, like you said, that the life I lead and love is because of the decision we made, in our case to wait. All we can do is trust our decisions and make the best of them.